Meanwhile. . . “Confessions of a Traveler: The Observations of Alien 597” Part 4

5 min readDec 12, 2021

She visited a store that sold TV boxes and other electronics that humans called the latest in technology, but were in actuality antiquated. A big TV box was showing a species that had hair all over its body, and would growl when it talked. It was called a Wookie, and she very much wanted to meet one, and learn its unique language. She asked a person who worked at the store, where she could find this creature called Chewbacca.

She anxiously traveled to a shop called a toy store, eager to meet Chewy, but only saw figurines bearing his name. She wondered if this was the way this creature earned a living, by modeling. She saw two older women grab the figurine, and started imitating the growling language, and then hug it.

“I love Chewbacca!” they said in unison.

Note to algorithm. Chewbacca is very popular with women. Since it wasn’t her species, she wasn’t sure if he was good looking, but there was something intriguing about him.

If she couldn’t meet a Wookie, she wondered if she could see the abominable snowman, and visited a land that had many mountains. People would climb these mountains for fun, even though up the mountain led them to nowhere. The humans tied ropes around themselves, using the many clips attached to their belts, and she wondered if they would get their clips mixed up and hook up incorrectly, or accidently tie a knot wrong. While she was at the mountain motel, called a lodge, which was a much better upgrade than her previous motel, she saw on the TV box a show where men would perform tricks. One of them made a knot, and then pulled on it, and the knot disappeared… A magician’s knot. She wrote on her algorithm, no abominable snowman, he was as elusive as the Wookie, and the first magicians knot was done by accident, and some guy just fell off the side of a mountain.

She headed back to the city and this time to a hotel, which seemed much nicer than the motel and lodge. Everywhere she walked, people talked about not eating, and how great it would be if they learned not to eat, called a diet. She stopped by a store that only sold natural food near the hotel, and was given a sample of this delicacy. She tasted quinoa, and the lady said in a serious and matter of fact voice, “gluten free and high in fiber”. Innocently enough, Alien 597 ate the entire sample, and then three more. Two hours later, she felt as if her insides were going to explode, and everywhere she went she made noises, and gases expelled from her body at embarrassing moments. She had seen a video on human childbirth, and wondered if the pain she felt was similar to this. She noted on her algorithm. Eat healthy food to experience pregnancy contractions, and only when alone, and ran to the nearest bathroom. She had read about a species called a skunk at the bookstore, which was black and had a white stripe down its back, and would release a smelly gas when it was in danger. She was not in danger, and as she sat on the toilet concluded why it was so hard for people to stay skinny. She noted on her algorithm. Healthy food turned you into a skunk.

She sat in her hotel room recovering, and turned the TV box on. She had found a couple of channels that talked about the country and how it was being run. Arguments would erupt between the person speaking, and the person asking questions. Apparently there was a person on this piece of land that lived in a big white house, and he was King. Groups of men and women would then choose teams, and would help run the land. They would argue with each other, relishing when they couldn’t come to an agreement, and that was part of the game of running this land. The teams would speak to the people as if they were kids, and then lie about what they said. Lying mixed in with truth, and it was up to the people to determine what was and was not true. It was the weirdest game she had ever seen. She wasn’t sure how a game of lying was ruling this land, it seemed counterintuitive, but it seemed to be working. She wrote on her algorithm. Do everything you think is wrong, if you want to run the land of the humans.

On these channels, there was also a lot of talk of war. People fighting and killing each other, but she hadn’t seen war anywhere. According to the TV box, in faraway lands, people were fighting, and the TV box said that it could happen here too. There were kings in other lands saying they were going to destroy the world, and other kings would say they were going to also. There was a competition to destroy the world, and they would make these strange threats that would kill everyone, including them too. She wasn’t sure if this was a game, and how anyone would know who won if they were all dead. But they showed these weapons in plain sight, and talked about how they could wipe themselves out. She noted on her algorithm. Humans were suicidal.